by Esther Israel
A client came unbidden to give me dirt on a peer. They told me with a grin, “The ears have walls. Yeah. I know. You told me.” After I corrected them, they sheepishly paused before sharing negative information about the other. When I asked the client how they knew what they reported, they answered with a twinkle in their eyes, "A little bird told me."1
In the above conversation, the speaker likely sought to control the narrative of another and how they wanted the listener to think about another person. They arranged the information into a dialogue that perpetuated a feedback loop to symbolize their perceptions of the realities of others.
We may reveal parts of ourselves with what we choose to talk about. An attentive listener examines the content and process of what is said. Are truth and harmony in alignment? What kinds of connections are being sought within and between? Is the conversation in service of values? A moral analysis of disclosures and deeds through words speaks to the quality of our relationships.
Metacommunication also contributes to self-concept. How we speak about others and how we feel about ourselves are social behavior maps. Lao Tzu saw the path and marked the crossroads when he said: “Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”
1 This saying is probably derived from Ecclesiastes 10:20. “Also in your thoughts, do not curse the king, and in your bedchambers, do not curse the rich; because a bird of the skies may carry the voice, and a winged creature will tell the matter.”